I just finished my year in Pathway through BYU-I!!!!! I'm so happy! Now I'm finishing the application to BYU-I and should start classes toward a degree this fall. I wanted to share the last essay I wrote for my English class. I forgot how much I enjoyed writing. I have so many experiences in my life that I would love to write about for my children to have. After I shared this essay with Colton, he commented on how it gave him insight on what we were dealing with. It's just the push I need to keep writing.
IT'S HOW I KNEW
A phone call in April 2004 changed my life in an instant. "Would you adopt my baby?" my cousin requested. "In a heartbeat!" I quickly replied. Suddenly, the disappointment of the past was gone. God was blessing us with another child. Just three days earlier my life was headed in a different direction as I dropped off our remaining baby items at Deseret Industries. I wanted our home to reflect the reality of our lives. I had two wonderful little boys, Colton, 8, and Asher, 5. I loved being their mom and had a strong desire to have a large family. Unfortunately, the doctor recently confirmed there wouldn't be any more children. My husband blamed himself despite my reassurances that he didn't cause his fertility problem. Accepting the doctor's diagnosis had been difficult, but I had done it. Now, one phone call changes all of that.
Four and a half weeks later, I was in the delivery room while my cousin delivered my son. It was so surreal. This miracle I witnessed had me trying to figure out how I could be so blessed. I knew the moment I saw the top of Kyler's head that he was my son, the paperwork was a mere formality. 28 hours later, our baby was handed to us in the hospital parking lot. It was quiet and simple, many significant moments are. As we drove home, I would look behind me and see Colton, Asher and Kyler all strapped into the van. I couldn't stop the tears. Did this just happen? Was I really driving home with our three boys? My gratitude was overflowing.
A few weeks later, my husband took the boys to Cub Scout Day Camp. I had been looking forward to this since Kyler was born. I would have 3 days in a row where I didn't have to fight with anyone to hold the baby. I did what anyone would do with a newborn, got in my pajamas and camped out on the sofa with him in my arms. I snuggled him with his little head nestled in my shoulder. I cradled him in my arms while he slept. I kissed his little forehead over and over. I held onto him the entire day and loved every minute of it. Again, how did I luck out and win the lottery with this child?
Sitting on the sofa all day wouldn't be complete without the TV being on. As I was watching Kyler sleep, I heard a commercial come on about a certain brand of pregnancy tests. The voice said, "It's how I knew Benjamin was coming". I was immediately drawn down memory lane. I could see in my mind's eye how exciting it was finding out I was pregnant for the first time. I was able to surprise my husband with the news and it was a day I will never forget. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. The next year, I was taking a pregnancy test again. I was so excited for those two pink lines, so was Tony. Colton arrive the next spring.
As Colton was almost two, I was discouraged I wasn't pregnant after ten months of trying. To compound my frustration, my neighbor announced that she was expecting in the fall. She said I should have another child too and I just brushed it off, not wanting her to know my heartache. When I went back inside my home, I suddenly remembered that I hadn't been feeling well lately. I had thought I was just coming down with something, but the conversation with my neighbor made me curious. I took a test the next morning and discovered I was pregnant! I immediately drove to Tony's office and shared the wonderful news.
Now my thoughts were on this precious child in my arms. I wanted to stroll down memory lane with Kyler's pregnancy too. As my mind went to recall, I had an unsettling experience. I drew a blank. I had never had that happen to me in my life. The more I tried to recall my pregnancy test, the bigger the void in my mind seemed to be. I started to panic. How on earth could I not remember? I thought, "Poor Kyler, he's only a few weeks old and I can't even remember getting pregnant!" I put more effort into this and really tried to recall. I couldn't remember taking a test. I couldn't remember going to any doctor's appointments. I couldn't remember being pregnant at all.
Just as my despair was climbing, I decided to look at this logically. I'll go back nine months and retrace my steps. He was born on May 19th, nine months earlier was August 19th. That didn't make any sense that was our anniversary! How could I not remember getting pregnant on our anniversary? If I were pregnant in August, I wouldn't find out until September. September sparked the memory of driving with the boys to Idaho to visit my aunt and uncle on their farm. We all had a wonderful time. But wait, I couldn't drive to Idaho and be pregnant, I'm extremely ill during my pregnancies. Now my heart and mind finally connected, I wasn't pregnant in September.
I never took that test for Kyler. I never felt the sickness take over my life for twenty weeks. I never made a doctor's appointment. I never felt him kick me or have the hiccups. I never felt a labor pain. I didn't push him into this world. Another significant moment just happened in a quiet and simple way; I became Kyler's mother. God placed this child in my arms and I discovered the miracle of motherhood doesn't happen with two pink lines, it happens with love.
